Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
john wicks are toilet candles
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.