[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.