become ungovernable
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Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*