No one :
Me when I swimming :
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…