Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Just a reminder, folks:
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.