It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.