They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Barbie gone wild
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.