Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Love is in the air fryer.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
No way!
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.