Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
He just like my cat fr
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?