Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*