[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically