I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You Might Also Like
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Can Happiness buy money?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.