The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.