Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
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I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!