I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
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I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault