Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?