There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.