[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Pandas 🐼🖤
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.