Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
this will hang in the louvre one day
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Harsh but fair
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.