Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
It’s a gift
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this