“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.