RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*