10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
wishing you and yours all the best
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it