“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: