Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
#oldknees
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.