She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
what?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”