I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.