How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢