Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.