Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
This tweet has been deleted
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
a lot to unpack here
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Worst Native American name ever.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.