$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
A ghost story
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
no one ever comes back
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.