What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
FRED: right
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up