I’ve been learning to cook.
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.