5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.