Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
girls literally only want one thing..
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Life cycle of cat
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.