The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.