Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Wait a minute
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
when dads have a rap battle