[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.