Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Hello Twits.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.