opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
It be like that sometimes 😆
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.