Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If snakes were wide
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
just having fun
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes