ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
become ungovernable
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.