Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.