Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I cannot stop laughing at this
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.