I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
What flavor cupcake are these
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
🤣
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.