I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Always 🥴
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO