A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious