If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The funk soul brother
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.