Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.