Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
💯😂
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.